I’m in a remorse spot, this is my area.
I’m writing out of confusion, seeking some kind of conclusion
I don’t want to rhyme, I want answers
An explanation to what I’m feeling
I have an idea but I can’t afford to bewrongonce again
I was center staged and shown off as a fool
They told me to fight, go after him if I still love
But there are things he doesn’t need to know.
I’m just going to look like a fool chasing someone running away
And they pointed out, “It will hurt even more”
Though the words they speak contains the truth
I insist to put my brain before my heart
It’s hard to say if I’m still deeply a part of the case
I’ve grown without him, strive through challenges and become stronger
Learned to fall out of love and convinced that he’s not needed
Then loneliness slithers in these days
Reminiscing brings happiness hidden in our portraits
And a sense of missing him throbs louder than the brain
here we go once again, my heart is yells louder than my brain
Still, I insist to put my brain before my heart.
Some people claim that age is nothing but a number.. Does that mean that another year is also just another year? My cab driver pointed out that New year’s eve is just another reason for a night to drink and though this is true to some extent. I still like to ponder what life what has given and thrown at me before hitting that bottle of patron.
Two thousand and eleven has been nothing more but loosing family members, a broken heart, broken friendships, and unnecessary happenings. No, I’m not a pessimist.. just being realistic. This has been one of those years that even though there were more days of content, there were always one BIGGER dissatisfaction that over-powered all the good days; To top it all of, I’ve managed to collect a few regrets and feel nothing but unimportant to the one’s I’ve sacrificed myself for. Also, I have learnt that there are two kinds of people: One is the sincere and caring people which are hard to find now a days. And two, are the ones who will drag you down with their bullshit. Needless to say, I’ve forgotten how to trust and still every single time someone mistreats me, I give them a (put how many times here) chance(s). Why? –because that’s who I am. No matter how many times I’d convince myself that they’re nobody/nothing but strife in my life, I still give them a benefit of a doubt and believe their apologies. I wouldn’t say I’m gullible, in fact, I’ve learned to decipher between the truth and bullshit.
I strongly believe that everything happens for a reason.. with that being said, I’m here to leave all my regrets and live my life as it is. I’m blessed to be surrounded by a family who loves me unconditionally and friends who never gives up on me. People have come and gone, marked a spot in my heart. To my love ones that has passed away, I know that you’re in better hands now and I want to let you know that I miss all of you. This upcoming year is going to be better than the last and I’ll make sure of it. It’s time to move on and be happy. :) I ended 2011 perfectly …
I’ll start 2012 even better.
One dreading day at work, an acquaintance visited me again. She usually came in to make small talks here and there with my co-workers and I, but her strangeness made us act the opposite. As a matter of fact, we ignore her or decently ask her to leave the premises discreetly. When I saw her outside the store pacing herself back and forth, (probably contemplating whether she would walk by or not) I had decided to give her a chance and lend an ear … After all, what better way to make the time pass but have endless conversation of nothing.
She went on bashing about the love of her life and how she was completely head over heels for this guy. She would go on for hours about the small things that made her smile, which was practically EVERYTHING he did, literally speaking. For the next couple of days, these visits became more frequent while the stories deepened. Her starry-eyes glow more and more each time she’d share her romantic relationship.
As I got accustomed to her rants and their interesting experiences, a sudden feeling of loneliness and admiration trickled into my heart which practically equaled to confusion. I was jealous. I was envious at the fact that this man had no idea how this woman was madly and deeply crazy about him. Despite of everything that she goes through in life, she is still capable of loving someone truly and whole heartedly.
I was mesmerized because I used to be like that. I used to be her. Someone who was so proud to be in love with that one guy who made me happy.
That’s when I realized that : Each and ever person has it’s own definition of love.
How do I define love?
I used to think that love was more about sacrfices for your better half than anything else. Usually giving up self-respect, pride, and all of myself just to make that apple of my eye be happy even though I was turning into somebody I wasn’t. I thought that the term ‘loving someone’ strictly meant intimacy filled with endless “I love you"s and sweet sayings that quickly gave you butterflies and jitters.
That was my definition of love. After multiple break-ups with boys that once meant the world to me, I arise from wherever I ended up and believe that I got the wisdom and knowledge about love. I said to myself that I would not fall into the same situation the next time my heart chooses to love again. I always think that I’m a stronger person and I don’t need a man to make me complete. I would write essays on my blog about how love has played the field of foolishnes ..again or how love creeps its way in my daily life with all the gallants I encounter. Friends would run to me for advice and I would recite my past just to make a point. Even though, we all know that "It’s easier said than done"
But underneath all of this convincing, I can proudly say :
I don’t know what is love.. All I know is that it’s worth it.
Love is such a powerful emotion that delivers the impossible. Embrace it.